Tuesday, July 23, 2013
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Tuesday, January 29, 2013
As of December 3rd I have been in the midst of a divorce from my husband of 9 years. This came as a shock to most people who knew me and even some that were close to me. I made a conscious choice not to talk openly about my unhappiness as I felt that it wasn't something that people needed to concern themselves with. I can be terrible at communication which is something that I am struggling to overcome but making huge strides in the right direction.
I have mentioned before that my whole life I have struggled with finding my place in this world. I knew from a very young age that I didn't fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job or being on a path that most other people would choose. Looking back on my 20 year old self I see a girl that wanted nothing more of her life than getting married and having a family. (please don't get me wrong I still want those same things for myself I just know that there are huge things for my future and that includes being a wife and mother). Three years ago when I began my creative journey I slowly started to realize something beautiful inside myself that I hadn't seen before, I found a happiness to me that I didn't know existed, and I discovered a purpose....my purpose.
Fast forward a bit. The downside of finding yourself is that this sometimes brings out realizations that you may not want to face. For example, over the course of the last few years I sadly began to realize that the person who was supposed to be my biggest fan and cheerleader wasn't that person to me. We had very different view points on reality and the truth of the matter was that we weren't playing on the same team anymore. I felt that I was leading two very different lives. In my studio and surrounded by creative supporting people I was thriving. When I was home I felt lonely and lost. I ever so slowly began to withdraw. It wasn’t something that was blatantly obvious to me; in fact I couldn’t see it at all. I found myself keeping almost every detail of my life to myself or in the confidence of my closest friends or family. Yet I could never seem to utter the words that I was unhappy. When people look at you they tend to perceive what they want about you. In my mind I wanted people to see me thriving, following my dreams, and working towards those goals with my partner, so to most that is what they saw. To the very observant family member or friend they saw the free spirited girl in me slipping away.
I have had almost 8 weeks to sit back and reflect of the last 10 years of my life. Was I perfect…hell no! I look at the girl I was 10 years ago and the woman that I am now and know that the 30 year old Darby is a heck of a lot better than the 20 something Darby. I look at relationships the same way. As we grow older and develop as individuals our relationships grow as well. It is a partnership, you are a team, and you are sailing on the same ship. When one half of the team is not supporting the other half you WILL lose the game. There also comes a point as we age when we know or should have better understanding of what we deserve out of life. Generally speaking I think most of us want the same things: Someone who loves us and whom we can love in return, freedom to be ourselves, and the opportunity to follow the path that God has put us on.
It is never easy to admit defeat. You won’t ever read words of me feeling defeated. I am a fighter. I am a fighter for my beliefs, I am a fighter for my happiness, and I will fight to make my mark in this world.
I can’t exactly tell you the time that I decided to take my happiness into my own hands but the day came. It was exhilarating, scary, and life changing all at the same time. I am still wrapping my mind around the freedom that I feel. I have made some choices that aren’t the best, choices that have hurt people along the way, and have given people a reason to pass their judgment on me.
The beauty of life is that there is always room for life lessons and second chances. It is situations like this that show you who really loves you, who is deserving enough to be on this journey with you, and who wants nothing but happiness for you. It is also a time to reflect on ourselves. How can I be better? How can I learn to love and trust again? How can I become open and forthcoming with myself and my feelings?
My sweet little girl and I are moving forward by leaps and bounds. I am learning how to be a single mama, take care of a new little house, and trying to be the very best mom, sister, friend, and daughter that I can be.
I won’t sit here and pretend that things are buttery smooth or that I don’t have my moments of meltdowns. There is worry and stress on my plate that I am trying to empty myself of. I do however know that I am hugely blessed with amazing family and friends. I am paving a new life, a new path, and a better journey for me and my sweet girl.
We all deserve a full life of happiness, love, and partnership. Not everyone will be understanding of my situation nor do I expect them to be. I do however encourage you all not to pass judgment on anyone in this situation. You never know who is struggling in silence, who needs your love and support, or who just needs you to listen.
Here is to a new year, a new outlook, and an amazing new journey!